#12: Making Room For a Meaningful Intimate Relationship

Things are getting hotter🔥🔥 as we dive deep into the life organizational aspect of making room for a meaningful, intimate relationship. And how are you doing in the area of intimate relationships? Let's start this assessment to find out together in today's episode. Listen now!

Support the show! Buy me a coffee ☕😀❤️!

One-on-one coaching session with me

Follow me on Instagram

Link to give me a review on Apple Podcasts 🎙️

Follow my Facebook page

A gift for you! FREE Daily Focus List

Credits: 

Song: Green Lights
Performed By: DLP
Written by: Daniel Labate (BMI 100%)
Published by: Boss Soundstripe Productions (BMI 100%)

Song (Trailer): Epic Hybrid Trailer Music
Performed by: by 2CoolFire
Licensed by: Envato Market

Cover Photo: Angela Clifton Photography
Hair and Make-up: Casey J. Cheek

Transcript

This is the Neat Lifestyle Podcast, episode number twelve. In today's episode, let's talk about making room for a meaningful intimate relationship, so stay tuned. 

Welcome to The Neat Lifestyle Podcast. My name is Katia Mesquita. I'm a personal organization expert, an online business entrepreneur, and your host on this weekly variety show. I'm excited to bring you an extra dose of inspiration to become more organized, stay organized, and make things work better for you. My goal in this podcast is to help you achieve a more functional, harmonious, and meaningful life. I can't wait to connect with you today. Thank you so much for tuning in, and now let's begin. Hello and welcome to The Neat Lifestyle Podcast, now present in 20 countries worldwide. This is really nice. I'm really excited about it, and of course, I'm not going to list all of the countries in just one episode, but I really would like today to send a special thank you not only to my listeners here in the US, but also in the UK, Bulgaria, Luxembourg, Portugal, and Greece. 

I'm your host, Katia Mesquita, and in episode number 10, we went through the eight major areas, remember? To pay attention to for a more organized life. I spoke a little bit about all of them. They are time, relationships, health, work, finances, personal growth, responsibilities, and contribution to society, and today is the day to talk about relationship. We are going to dive deep into that, and by the way, if you haven't listened to episode number 10 yet, I really encourage you to listen after listening to today's episode. It's kind of a part two, as you're going to see, but it's okay. You don't have to follow the sequence, okay? You are still gonna get the point. Anyway, let's dive deep into a relationship meant for more intimacy, for enjoying life together, for mutual support, emotional and financial partnership, strength, safety, a sense of closeness, deeper connection, celebrating achievements, and overcoming life's challenges together. 

But how are you doing in this area? Are you feeling fulfilled? Let's be honest about it, okay? At least inside your thoughts for now, and then you will be able to figure out a little bit more of how you are doing, okay? If you're questioning yourself about it, stick with me in this episode because I made a lot of mistakes in this area. I'm guilty of a lot of things, so I learned the hard way. Then I decided enough is enough. I gotta learn something here. I noticed I was experiencing the same pattern over and over and then I was like, okay, there's something wrong here, something for me to learn more about. So, I joined relationship coaching programs, I studied a lot, which involves self-improvement books, get better guidance in this area. I also joined mastermind groups, but the thing is that not a mastermind with like-minded people. I still spend time, of course, with like-minded friends, but I also spend time with people at a higher level than I am now, and it makes the whole difference when I hang out with people at a higher level of personal growth. 

It's so good when we realize what is wrong, to be able to fix it. It's really better to face it than just ignore and wait for maybe one day that we never know when it's going to come. And we are all evolving. Regardless of whether we want or not, life is always pushing us toward challenges that will help us improve who we are, and I'm so happy now that I get to help my clients identify certain patterns, not fall into the same mistakes, and enhance their lives. I got a lot to share in today's episode, including some of these mistakes, so today's episode can help you in the process of making an assessment to check how you are doing in this area and establish what you want. If you wanna be in a casual relationship or if you don't wanna be in any relationship at all at this moment, if you want to reconnect with your loved one, or if you want to step into a meaningful and deeper connection with all you deserve, experiencing the most of a relationship.

The thing is, we need to improve our lives to make room for a meaningful, intimate relationship, both physical and emotional space. Physically, you can create room in your home for the person, okay? Emotionally, you can be open to the relationship, manage emotions, be more selective toward the type of person you want after you figure out what's the type of person you are looking for. I know nobody's perfect, but we still need to have some criteria. Being in a meaningful intimate relationship is something really special. It requires a selective process. It requires some time from you to figure out first what you want, what you are looking for, establish some essential criteria, being in the right places, okay? Hanging out in the right places, or do you think that you will find that meaningful someone in a bar getting wasted? It is not impossible, but it's very unlikely. 

Then, when you find someone interesting, study this potential partner studying their values. It's a selection in which each encounter or interaction is a phase, and we gotta get organized for that. Let's first take a close look at your physical space. Is your space clean or nasty? Is there any space on the counter of your master bathroom for your special someone to put their personal belongings or a necessaire and feel there is a space there for them to be comfortable? Or is the entire place packed with your stuff only? Any space in your closet? Any extra towel? Do you have pillows just for you, or you got the extra one to accommodate the person? How does your space smell? Just putting wall flowers and spray won't disguise any smell. If there is a bad smell going on, like garbage not taken out, putting perfume will still smell like garbage with perfume, okay? There's no way, and it's an awful combination, by the way. Regular cleanings, opening windows occasionally to change the air can fix the smell. Getting a dog trainer to train the dog not to pee on the carpet also helps.

And how are your self-care and self-esteem? A valuable person is looking for a valuable partner. If you don't value yourself, if you behave, dress, and act as if you don't care or as you don't have any value, you are basically communicating by your actions that you are not the person they are looking for. Alright, and how to tell if you are in a potentially meaningful intimate relationship? You will notice that that special person will be interested not only in how attractive you are, and the person will also be able to demonstrate how they value who you are and what you do. Remember the "Be, Bo, Have" concept I shared in episode number three? That concept is also present in intimate relationships. And how do we start this selection? You can start by making an assessment to determine what type of person you're looking for and what imperfections you tolerate or not. How willing you are to overcome circumstances. Things like living at a distance can be overcome, okay? If you really like the person, this is something that you both can discuss and overcome. Special people, when they are connected, they overcome this, they find a way, they move, they do whatever to be together. 

And if you don't know what you want, start with what you don't want, then you can get some guidance from that point. Another thing is believe that you can find the type of person you want. Disbelief may lead you to an unsuitable relationship. And then, what usually happens is that in the middle of that relationship with the wrong person, you find exactly the kind of person you were looking for, and things become more challenging to handle. That's when some people, unfortunately, start to lie, trying to catch two rabbits at the same time and ending up with none of them. The belief system plays a big role in how choices are made in relationships. Some of these relationships are based on convenience, some of them on partnership, like a business in which two people with similar goals get together to overcome life challenges, enjoy life together. I have been there and in my personal experience, the love was not intense for both, okay? Love presents itself with many degrees of intensity, and if something doesn't come from the heart or, you know, when you just feel it and you don't know how to explain, but you are falling in love, there is nothing to do with convenience or any, like, partnership. So convenience may lead people to experience love at a lower intensity.

Next, we filter by values. We use the first date in the other interactions to get to know their values and their character. If the person gossips or exposes previous relationships, for instance, they're very likely to do the same with you. Another thing is to check if their actions are congruent with what they want to convey about who they are. Actions, words, and behaviors must be in alignment with the values they want to express. Just to give you an example, a person claims to be honest, but you notice that that same person is lying to other people in front of you. If this person lies to others, they are very likely to lie to you as well. You cannot be naive, believing that you are gonna to be the exceptional person who is not gonna be lied to. This is a signal the person is giving, okay? A signal of lack of character, and there is no such thing as a small lie, okay? Lying, giving an excuse, is a lie. Lie. No matter how big or small, lie creates environment of untrust. You don't want to build a relationship on top of an untrustful foundation. In order to have a meaningful relationship, you need to be able to trust. 

Now, when we talk about meaningful relationships, we talk about something really unique and good to experience, and when something is good, we usually want it to last long. You know that expression that says, "All good things must come to an end." But we want good things to last. So it is normal to feel like protecting the relationship and preserving yourself and your partner from excessive exposure, especially the type of exposure that can sexually attract a lot of people. And when you truly find yourself in love with a special someone, you are probably not going to like if that person gets way exposed and start to sexually attract a lot of people. So, a more reserved behavior may be a better fit if you want to be in a meaningful, deep connection with someone. Also, it might be a good idea to check if the person is a lifetime learner. People in constant personal development are more likely to have or improve their skills to manage emotions, and then you both can experience a deeper connection. 

And another thing to pay attention to is whether the efforts are made from both ends or if it's just you giving your a hundred percent. Relationships are a lot about giving, but it should not be just from your end. And I'm not talking only about giving material things. Attention is something important, and the way you give attention is also something to be considered. It feels lighter when both are cooperating. Having cooperation is not about demanding it. It's about choosing not to be with someone who doesn't cooperate. Now, let's talk about some mistakes people make that can prevent them from experiencing a meaningful intimate relationship. The very first mistake is avoiding being vulnerable or showing feelings, kind of protecting themselves, of getting emotionally hurt. We are supposed to feel the emotions and it's okay to have an exceptional someone with whom you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. If you prevent yourself from experiencing vulnerability and uncomfortable feelings, you are also avoiding the good feelings that love brings. 

To give yourself an opportunity to be more open, it's a good idea to deal with emotions like in the movie. What are we looking for when we go to the movies? Emotions, right? You watch it. Some uncomfortable scenes, some of them scary, frightening, funny, adventurous, exciting, romantic, sad, and you feel happy experiencing this whole range of emotions. If you watch a movie in which nothing happens, there is no conflict, it's boring, right? You are gonna say, "This movie was terrible." So is life. When we experience unpleasant feelings, it's part of life. It's an experience. It's not supposed to be a good or a bad thing, it's supposed to be an experience. And seeing life and relationships like a movie will make you feel so much more alive. If you are experiencing emotions, it means you are experiencing the beauty of living. And speaking of movies, I wanna recommend a movie for you. It's called The Tree of Life. It's with Brad Pitt and Sean Penn. It is a beautiful movie, and even if you have watched it too long ago, it's probably a good idea to watch it again and don't forget the popcorn, okay? And also to let me know how was this experience watching this movie.

Now let's jump to mistake number two: not letting the person know what's going on. Sometimes, I know something happens, and we need to spend some time in silence to process. Absolutely normal, but don't let it go too far. Let the partner know that you feel uncomfortable but need some space to process, and you will talk later or the next day. Mistake number three: noticing that the person is not the right fit but believing in their potential to change and become a greater partner. This person eventually will evolve, but it can take their entire life to show any significant improvement. Each person is in their own path and has their own time. Mistake number four: not taking some time to consider other values besides attractiveness. Jumping straight to sex doesn't give time to connect, time to get to know each other, and time to desire more can play a big role. And in the meantime, you can explore the power of sexual transmutation. And by the way, have you ever heard of it? It's about using some time, not too much time, don't worry, it's totally manageable and controlled by you to channel your sexual energy for higher motivation, creativity, and success in a project, for instance, and you will know the right time with your partner. 

This is a very controversial subject. Some people say it's a myth. Some fighters stop sex before fighting. To some of them is about a psychological effect. For others is about that little amount of increasing testosterone. For other people, no, it doesn't make any sense at all. I said, "You know what, I'm going to try this thing." And for me, it worked. I would have a lot more to tell. How to do it, and how the whole thing works. I cannot cover everything in just an episode. It's something also covered in my one-on-one coaching session package. It's powerful. So let's go to mistake number five: pointing fingers. "You did this to me." Well, pointing fingers may sound more like an attack, okay? And it's usually not the best approach, but it doesn't sound like an attack when you just let the person know how you feel after hearing or experiencing something. It's a matter of being more tactful in your way to communicate what's going on. 

Mistake number six: not learning about relationships. So much pain can be avoided when you learn about relationships. When you talk to people at a higher level, when you read some books on a subject, or when you participate into some coaching programs, or you listen to podcasts or whatever, okay? The important thing is: keep learning about relationships. There is so much to explore and learn about the partner. Just to give you an example, women usually don't think like men and vice versa. Understanding these gender uniquenesses gives you more assertiveness to manage your emotions, pay attention to certain moves and body language. The body speaks, okay? So many books out there about body language. Also, ask questions in a more tactical way, okay? One thing is to be spontaneous, but there is a limit to that. You've got to be a little bit tactiful in the way you communicate with your partner, okay? 

And the last mistake I'm gonna list here is mistake number seven. Taking the relationship for granted. One thing is to attract a relationship. Another thing is to maintain it, okay? After people attract in a relationship, they get too comfortable or too familiar and start not paying attention to each other. And I'm gonna bring up the same analogy I brought in episode number 10 with a plant. A relationship with a partner is like a delicate plant. A plant needs frequent attention as well as water and nutrients. If you don't water it or if you water it too much, it's very likely to die. In some cases, you can repair it before it dies. In other cases, it's irreparable because the partner may lose interest in repairing it. And be honest to yourself in the first place. Then, honest to others, especially your partner, regardless the pain. Pain, we can overcome together, we can make new arrangements in a way they can consider what's really going on in their hearts. 

And before I wrap up, I just want to leave a strong relationship quote from Warren Buffet to inspire you some reflection. He says "Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people." I hope your could have some takeaways from this episode. If you did, send me a direct message on Instagram telling how this episode spoke to you, and a brief description of your struggle for a chance to win a free 1-on-1 session with me. The link to my Instagram page is on the show notes and you can also follow me there for extra inspiration. We will select the best story. I can't wait to announce the winner. I'm Katia Mesquita, and I'll see you in the next episode. Bye!

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode. If you liked what you heard today, be sure to share it with those you care about so they can also benefit from it. If you aren't already following me on social media, do so by clicking on the link on the show notes or simply by visiting my website at neatlifestyle.com. I appreciate you so much. I hope you have an amazing day. I'll see you in the next episode of The Neat Lifestyle Podcast.